Just when you think you've arrived at a point in your life where you've put off all the habits that bring out anxiety in you, BAM! Your brain finds a new thought with which to torment you. Not that I haven't come a long way in healing the anxiety of my past but I've learned that our brains are tricksy and like to throw curveballs at us from time to time.
I can typically do some pretty quick "logical thought flow" to talk me out of most negative thoughts but today I was hit with some news that pulled up all of the anxious feelings ever. I mean ALL of them. Wowsers.
It was such an unnerving feeling! My body was shaking with adrenaline as if I'd just been attacked. My mind was buzzing and spinning out of control. My brain was obsessing over the event (and the future events which will happen tomorrow as a result) and I couldn't shake the thought out of my head as much as I wanted to. I didn't feel like myself.
All of this over the receipt of an email reply that seemed overly aggressive in its language.
So I spent a couple of really uncomfortable hours just on the verge of .... something. I was angry and shaky, I kinda wanted to cry but wasn't at that point. Feelings were bubbling like water in a hot pot but there were just so many of them I couldn't even think straight or pick a single emotion to let fly. It was like a million Alien/Predator babies were going to push out of my skin simultaneously.
Finally, I reached out to a trusted friend to get advice on what they would do in that situation (because even coaches need coaching) and then my head started to calm down. I started remembering all of my coaching tools and started writing and thinking...and calming down!
First to go into my journal was a Current and Intentional Thought Model. This is where I identify a neutral, unbiased circumstance, then proceed to list out the Thoughts I'm creating around that circumstance. Then I list out what Feelings show up when I create those Thoughts. Finally, those Feelings cause me to take certain Actions which lead to certain Results.
Circumstance > Thought > Feeling > Action > Result
My Current Model looked similar to this:
Circumstance - I received an email response (it ended there but for context it was a response to a request from myself for action by a certain deadline which had consequences if not completed)
Thought - he's angry at me, my bosses are angry at me (even though I had approval to send the email), he's accused me of attacking the character of his children so I'm a horrible person, he's going to pursue legal action, I will be relieved of duty, maybe I screwed up and should not have taken charge, I'm a horrible person for not giving them even more opportunities to fix their errors, I am all the things he called me in his email - ridiculous, witch hunter out to get him, etc.
(It is hard for me to even write some of these because as soon as I think them I think they are ridiculous and can see logic, but nevertheless, those thoughts kept popping up like rapid fire making it difficult for the logical side to keep up.)
Feeling - horrified, angry, threatened, scared to lose my part-time job, failure, and repeat
Action - paralyzed by fear, anger, and anxiety. can't focus on ANYthing or accomplish anything. I'm just walking back and forth trying to start the tasks I need to complete today, then my mind blowing up and making want to crumble in a ball. Can't even feel still enough to do a cycle on my heated massage mattress to try to help me calm down - as soon as I walk to the mattress, I get antsy and keep walking around.
Result - I'm feeling horrible all day and will lose valuable sleep tonight.
Obviously, this was not a healthy thought model to entertain. So I created my intentional thought model and wrote down the logical alternatives I wanted to fill my head with instead.
Circumstance - still the same - I received an email response
Thought - My email providing clear expectations, deadlines for action, and consequences for not complying was not received well by the recipient. And none of us really expected him to receive it well based on our past experiences with him. We will meet tomorrow to develop a response and an action plan. If I am at fault in any way, I am humble enough to admit that I make mistakes and can apologize as needed for my part. If bosses don't want to follow through on the consequences we discussed, I don't have to continue working there (not saying that resentfully but matter-of-factly - if I don't like an outcome or a situation, no one is forcing me to stay and take part in it. This is the U.S.A. and I am free to find other places to spend my time during the day.)
Feeling - still slightly uncomfortable but calm and in control of my emotions.
Action - I continue to function, I was able to journal. I'm writing a blog post to help my audience when they experience similar issues.
Result - I can still have an enjoyable day despite the upcoming uncomfortable discussions that are on the horizon.
In writing out my thoughts on these models, I did a bit of doubling up with another coaching tool I use which is to identify the Thought Errors and write out their logical realities. Thought Errors are those little pesky thoughts that are your brain's way of keeping you at home under the covers where it's "safe". Thoughts like "you're not good enough" (one of my favorites <sarcasm>) or "better to play it safe and go with the flow - don't try anything new". Writing these out gives your an opportunity to also write down the ways that thought is NOT true. Then you are able to focus on the positive thoughts that will help you move forward.
Another tool I like to use in these situations - and I also doubled up a little in the Thought line of the model with this tool - is to think of the worst possible thing that could happen and then wrap my mind around how the worst possible thing is actually survivable. In this instance, probably the worst possible things would be for legal action to result and for me to lose that part-time job that I love. But the reality is that legal action won't change who I am inside nor is it actually likely to occur. And if I do lose my part-time job, that would actually free up more time for me to expand this business and help more people reach their goals. So the worst that can happen is really not that bad after all.
The tools used by my trusted friend in similar situations were to meditate and/or contemplate the big picture and my place in it. Such power in that! What is the big picture in your life? What is your end goal? How does this one event compare in magnitude to events in the world or to your life's vision? I think everyone's answers will be a little different but MOST of the time we get all spun out of control in worrying over things that we turn into big horrible things which in reality or nothing when you compare it to things like the short life of Anne Frank in Nazi Germany. For my situation, so what that this one person thinks I'm horrible? If I was truly horrible I can apologize and he can either accept it or not but that much is on him. I can recognize that in the big picture, this one event is not but a mosquito-sized ripple in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. And even if the worst happened, it would not stop me from working toward my goals of regenerative farming/ranching.
I hope that these tools can help you in the new year as we face obstacles and new anxieties while working to be better versions of ourselves.
Good growing with you!
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