Today is Christmas Day for me and the majority of my family and friends who celebrate Christmas. Today and the days leading up to it are filled with love and laughter for many of us.
Then others of us feel alone and wretched this time of year.
I have felt both in the last few days.
I share this to let you know that I'm still here. I made it through the miserable day of feeling so completely alone. I survived it and so can you.
It wasn't a pretty day. Don't get me wrong, outside the weather was gorgeous, but inside the house my mind and body were in an ugly place. Wounded, miserable, listless, tearful. And I wasn't quite sure why it had hit me so hard. THAT'S probably the hardest part of it all - not having a "good reason" to feel that way.
I mean, sure, I'm single and it's the holidays. That seems like a pretty good reason, right? But this is not a new life event for me. I have never been married so "single during the holidays" is the only thing I'm used to. I'm also blessed with a close-knit, loving family and my sisters' kids love their Aunt Lacey tremendously. And this my logical-brain knows very well. So in my personal life-book, that's not a "good reason" to be feeling so low, even though that seemed to be what was popping up for me that day. Not having a "good reason" gives my brain an excuse to beat myself up for feeling bad which just amplifies the no-good feeling.
For some reason (which, for me, may very well have to do with my age and related hormone imbalances rather than any specific life circumstances), logic and reason wouldn't overcome this bad day of mine. So what could I do? Here's where I started: I just sat with it and let it run it's course, reminding myself that I've been here before and that this, too, will pass. I reminded myself that this was just a feeling and that I could endure any feeling no matter how bad.
Then, I let my brain get out all the negative thoughts it wanted to spew. Instead of trying to fend off and avoid all the negativity, I basically said, "Bring it, let's see what ya got." And it answered: "There's no hope." "Why are you so ridiculous for feeling so bad? You don't have a reason to feel bad. You're just ridiculous." "You've never been married before so what makes you think you'll ever find someone now - especially at your age?" "You're such a failure at your business." "You'll never fulfill your dreams." And on an on.
But once those negative thoughts were out (I actually prefer to write them down to fully get them out of my head and see what my brain is up to), I allowed my logic-brain to provide a more sensible retaliation and allowed it to dream up the beginnings of a plan to move forward.
There is always room for hope - it may not look like what I expect, but it's there if I look for it. How many times have I felt bad in the past? And I've always come out of it and felt great afterward. This is just a moment in time.
Sometimes we just feel bad for reasons we can't explain immediately. Sometimes it is from a chemical imbalance. Sometimes it is caused by thoughts I'm unconsciously entertaining. But I'm not ridiculous. This is how brains work. Being aware of all these thoughts is the first step in finding a trigger, whether it's a thought or a hormone.
Of course you've never been married! You're looking for a good match and you haven't found one yet. And at your age, the fellas are finally starting to show the characteristics you admire because they've matured so the timing is even better now. Go get it, girl.
I've made mistakes in my business, but I'm moving at my pace and growing in my time. That's all that matters. I'll keep moving forward, I'll keep finding ways to help people get out of their ruts--just like I have and am doing--and I'll do it in my time, not anyone else's. AND on top of that, I'm lucky enough to have feedback from clients - both corporate and individuals - who have told me I'm very good at what I do. So there's no way I can be a failure.
I'm already fulfilling my dreams. I'm just in the early stages of seeing it come to pass. Every breath I take is a state of dream-fulfillment by being an opportunity to move in the direction I want to go.
Here's what else I did. The day before, I could feel this bad day coming on and growing, so I reached out to a friend and spent a few hours eating lunch and finishing up some Christmas shopping. I also found ways to interact with other people by going to the grocery store and going to a movie theater over these two days. It doesn't matter so much that they were strangers, it was good to be around other people and exchange kind words and smiles. The big point here is that I reached out to someone and took action to be around people to remind myself that I really wasn't truly "alone." Depending on where you are at in your situation, if you really do not have friends or family, you could also reach out to a hotline (your insurance company probably has a number you could call on the back of your ID card or you can do an internet search for public service hotline numbers). And if you are reading this, I encourage to you reach out to me. I check my email daily and would be happy to listen. Even today, on Christmas.
In truth, sometimes we just feel bad and that's okay. If life was sunshine and rainbows all the time, we probably wouldn't recognize it being as wonderful as it is. It's the pull of the good and bad, the balance of happy and sad that makes us fully appreciate the wonderful things in the world.
Merry Christmas, my friends. If you're struggling, hang in there, reach out to me or to someone else, but hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.
And by the way, the next day after my horrible-feeling day, I had an absolutely sunny day - inside and out. I was back to myself again. There's always hope. Don't let those mind games get the better of you, my friend.
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