Two weeks ago we started this series and I shared my thoughts on the first four steps of a coaching tool I came across from The Coaching Tools Company. This week we're moving forward with Steps 5 - 8... a little behind schedule but here it is!
5. Rejection proves you're doing something courageous!
How do you feel about this one? As a “recovering perfectionist“--which I detail further in the next section--this thought gives me peace and anxiety simultaneously. To be rejected is like being told you or something you did is not perfect. And for those of us who struggle with perfectionism this is like a knife through the heart and can feel like the ultimate crushing experience.
But what if we can alter our thoughts about rejection and treat it as just one of two potential outcomes of taking action (success or failure) and take all the horrible, demeaning emotions out of it? If you fear rejection or fear imperfection, you will be less likely to take action. Consider Thomas Edison who invented the light bulb - and had many failures along the way:
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
I’d like to encourage each of you to be bold and brave and put yourself out there. Take a chance and risk failure. Rejection and failure are the best tools for personal growth. I know it isn't always easy--fear of failure is one of the biggest challenges that I have to overcome daily--but growing to overcome that fear can make you invincible.
6. Forgive yourself. Period.
Holy cow this is a good one.
The Google definition of "Forgive" is: stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake."
This, too, deals with perfectionism, in my opinion. As I mentioned above I call myself a "recovering perfectionist." I am constantly fighting the urge to be absolutely perfect in everything. "What's wrong with that?" It's a commitment to constant failure, that's what.
Humans are just imperfect. Sure, we can try to get a "perfect score" on a math test, or what have you, but there are so many parts of life that perfection is just not attainable. Or maybe the definition of perfection varies with each person defining so there is no one universal "perfect."
Does this mean we flaunt our flaws or that we never try to improve ourselves? Not a chance. There are some character flaws which I think we should identify and try to improve on.
Are you a habitual liar? Yeah, you might want to work on being a little more honest. Why do you feel the need to lie about everything?
Do you steal? That's kinda frowned upon in general. What thoughts do you have about life that give you the impression it's okay to take another person's property?
Do you waste hours upon end trying to perfect a blog post or waiting for the perfect moment of inspiration to start a project? (Ahem. cough <Lacey> cough) Maybe your time would be better spent in producing a slightly imperfect blog post so that you can be responsible in other areas and accomplish even more things instead of obsessing over it and beating yourself up every day you don't complete the "perfect" post. That could definitely be something to improve upon and is one of my biggest struggles right now. (Remember how I said I was late on posting this second part of the series?)
So stop beating yourself up. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Forgive yourself and do better next time. It's that simple. Maybe it's not a cold-turkey or snap-of-the-fingers change, but if you keep working at forgiveness it will get easier.
7. Stop tolerating - it's not noble to allow things to drain you.
In today's society we are taught that "tolerance" makes you a good person. So why would they tell us to stop?
As the movie The Princess Bride teaches us:
So for that reason I like to get the real definition to make sense of what people are telling me. Google defines tolerate in two ways:
accept or endure (someone or something unpleasant or disliked) with forbearance. "how was it that she could tolerate such noise?"
be capable of continued subjection to (a drug, toxin, or environmental condition) without adverse reaction.
I think our society promotes the first definition from the standpoint of us all getting along despite our differences of opinions on religion, politics, you name it. In this instance, I believe we are looking at the second definition.
While I do believe that we are in control of the thoughts we choose to believe, and can choose to be beat down by certain conditions or rise above them (forbearance). I also believe that there are some situations which may require an excessive amount of energy toward thought control and each of us has to decide where that line is.
Examples might include workplaces where you feel threatened or discriminated against or relationships which are abusive. While our minds are amazing and we can brush off many negative thoughts so that others cannot mentally harm us, there does come a point in which we may not find the situation worth fighting for anymore. Is that job really the only one out there or are we masquerading our stick-to-it-iveness to hide our fear of change? Maybe it's time to stop tolerating the behavior at that job and go find a new one. In abusive relationships, while I do believe that people CAN change (why would I be a coach to help people make changes in their lives if I didn't believe that?), I also believe that THEY have to be the ones that WANT to change. You cannot make your abusive partner change their ways, but you can decide to stop tolerating the behavior by removing yourself from the situation. Whether that be removing yourself from the argument or removing yourself from the relationship. If your life is in danger, I encourage you to call the authorities and get help removing yourself from the situation.
We also call this concept "boundaries." Boundaries declare what actions WE will take as a result of someone else's behavior. Notice I didn't say that it is what action the other person will take as a result of the behavior that I think is wrong. We cannot control other people's actions but we can take action ourselves when a boundary line has been crossed. This can be easy to grasp in theory but I know I struggle with the application.
Why is it so hard? Because we all think, "the world would be a better place if everyone was just like me." In our minds I hope we know that isn't really the case, but darn it if we don't act like it on instinct most of the time. I know that when I see "bad behavior" in someone I want to help them be better. Depending upon the "bad behavior" maybe it is worth it for me to step in and say something. But if that person doesn't want to change, I cannot force them to. In a workplace example, I can set up a boundary and decide upon what action I will take if that boundary line is crossed. Perhaps the action is reporting to HR if it is something that violates company policy or perhaps the action is for me to find another place of employment. Either way, I am the one taking the action and I have to determine what my healthy boundaries are.
8. Life is too short to 'should' on yourself.
About 20 years ago I realized my use of the word “should” was typically not productive or helpful. Mostly it was used to berate myself for not being perfect enough. ”I should have done that better,” I’d tell myself in a self-loathing voice. So I decided to stop using the phrase “should have” and replaced it with “next time I will.” This immediately addressed the real problem—a mistake was made—and put me into problem-resolution mode—next time I will do it differently because there was a problem with X that can be resolved with Y.
“Semantics,” you say? Possibly. But you might be surprised at how often our internal word choices are loaded with negative thoughts that hold us back. Why don't you try removing the word "should" from your speech and see what happens. Every time you start to use it, think about the context and try writing down the feelings you are experiencing when using that word. If you aren't having good feelings, then you're probably "shoulding" on yourself.
As always, if you would like to be coached on these or other topics, don't hesitate to sign up for a free 30-minute consultation on my Services page. You can also sign up for my newsletter which will be launching this year in which I will answer coaching questions that have been submitted.
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